Question: It has been about two weeks since my 6-year-old watched a kids’ TV show episode and got scared. She has been having times of feeling scared and upset over the episode. It had scary princesses in it that looked like skeletons. She doesn’t want to talk too much more about the episode. I had offered to watch it with her, or watch it on my own, but she doesn’t think that’s a good idea. I offer her cuddles and tell her the show is not real and that we the parents are there to protect her. But she has periods where she gets upset and teary. Distraction does help, but I don’t know if that will get rid of her having this problem. Last night she was able to go to sleep successfully focusing on happy thoughts. She probably gets scared more when she is getting tired or at the end of the day and remembers the show. Any suggestions?
Answer: I am so glad that you’re taking her experience seriously, honoring your child’s feelings rather than dismissing them or rushing her to ‘get over it’. A scary experience can stay with a child for quite some time, even causing regression in behaviors. It is perfectly normal if she’s having moments of tearfulness and trouble sleeping. You can begin helping her by normalizing the fears. Try talking about something that made you scared as a child like spiders or the dark. Share how you were able to cope with this fear and eventually overcome it. Choose a moment when she’s in neutral space and not too close to bedtime for this conversation. Hopefully this will allow her to open up more about what she’s thinking and how she has interpreted this scary moment in the show. If she is unable or unwilling to discuss it, that’s okay too. It can be difficult for a child so young to share feelings because they simply don’t have the language or understanding yet to articulate big, powerful emotions.
Distraction may help temporarily, but it is better to directly teach the skills of recognizing and naming feelings, and then to also teach a healthy coping skill for managing them. When she is teary and upset, can she stay with her feelings, not becoming too overwhelmed? She needs to practice feeling upset without pushing it away or blocking it out. Deep breathing, drawing what you feel, naming how you feel in your body, crying (though not uncontrollably) and meditation are some examples of healthy coping mechanisms that can help her for life.
The thing she needs most right now is a feeling of safety and security. To help her release the stressful feelings at night, use lots of soothing techniques such as a warm bath and lots of cuddles. Touch is so important for our children to feel calm and protected. This fear she is experiencing is overwhelming her at times, and she needs a steady hand to guide her through it. Don’t overwhelm her further by offering too many choices. For instance, instead of asking, “Do you want a night-light on and for me to sit with you?”, simply state “I am going to put the night-light on and sit next to your bed. I am here. You are safe”. A confidant approach will help her feel safe.
I believe sensitive children have the greatest capacity for compassion and empathy. Help her to navigate through the challenges of being sensitive and it will become a strength.
