Question: `My New Year’s Resolution was to stop yelling at my kids. So far, I’ve mostly kept it under control, but the other day I was really worn out from work and just lost my patience. I was short and snippy with the kids throughout the evening and then finally just lost it at bedtime when they weren’t cooperative. Any suggestions on how I can get a handle on the yelling? I feel awful about it afterwards and I always apologize, but this is not how I want to parent”
Answer: You are not alone. I say that emphatically because every parent I have ever coached struggles with yelling at their kid(s). Yelling is a symptom of a worn-out, stressed, and frustrated parent. The fact that you feel badly and are writing to me about it, means you care deeply about your children and are committed to your growth as a parent.
Here’s a simple exercise to help you get at the root of your yelling. I want you to start noticing your triggers and writing them down. From the brief description you gave me, a trigger could be bedtime. What other parts of the day are challenging for you? What kinds of behavior push your buttons? For example, many parents feel triggered by backtalk. They react with anger or hurtful words of their own. These reactions are not the conscious response. The conscious response comes from a place of calm, considered action. Once you begin to notice your triggers, you can anticipate them and hopefully learn to catch yourself before you start yelling. With time and practice, you move from unconscious reaction to conscious response.
So, how do you catch yourself and calm down? That’s the next step after you become aware of your triggers. You describe feeling worn out and getting snippy in the evening. These are likely some of your warning signs. But you can’t see them or feel them when you’re moving fast, multi-tasking, and distracted. If that’s daily life for you, you’ll need to be intentional about setting aside quiet moments throughout the day to check-in with yourself.
These ‘check-ins’ can be just a few minutes long. All you need to do is slow down and pay attention to your body. Go somewhere quiet. Take some deep breaths. Notice how you’re feeling in your body. Notice your thoughts. It may sound something like this: “I am exhausted. My shoulders are tense. I need help. I just want to get these kids to bed and get some peace. I can do this. I can calm down. I can help them calm down. I don’t want to end the day with bad feelings…” All the while, you are breathing deep, steady breaths.
Becoming more aware of your triggers, as well as your feelings and body sensations, takes time and daily practice. I find it helps to have accountability and support when trying to change a behavior like yelling. Let your whole family know this is something you’re working on and request their help. Most of all, be kind and patient with yourself.
As a PCI Certified Parent Coach, my task is to help parents look within for the answers they seek. I whole-heartedly believe there is no “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to child-rearing. Send your questions and comments to [email protected].
