Dementia is a disease that ripples throughout entire families, requiring loved ones to step into roles as caregivers in order to support the individual who has been diagnosed.
It’s a confusing and frightening time for children as this shift often creates turbulence within families. In these tense circumstances, it can be difficult for a child to find empathy for a loved one suffering from the disease. With her new picture book “I’ll Remember, Poppy,” Delmar author Anne O’Brien Carelli aims to teach young readers how they, too, can be compassionate caregivers.
Herself a caregiver of a loved one who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, O’Brien Carelli has been learning all she can about how to make “the long goodbye” more comfortable. With a background in education and child development, she wants to help children understand what they can do to maintain a loving relationship with a relative who has dementia, even if the reality of the disease is something that a child can’t fully grasp.
“A little bit of education can go a long way in developing compassion,” said O’Brien Carelli.
“I’ll Remember, Poppy” is written from the point of view of a young child whose grandfather, or “Poppy,” has dementia. From the perspective of a child, Poppy’s decline in memory and ability doesn’t have a name.
“All they know is that things are changing. They don’t really understand why, but they adapt, and they adjust, and that’s what happens in the story,” said O’Brien Carelli.
Though Poppy does things that don’t make sense – he hides his wallet in the freezer and calls his shoes his “boats” – the narrator adapts even without fully understanding what Poppy is going through. The narrator shares with Poppy the things he used to love, and helps him enjoy the things they used to do together.
“If he’s mad at his brain, I share mine,” reads one line from the book.
“I talked to a lot of people – fellow caregivers – and they are constantly amazed at how children adjust and do what’s necessary to maintain the relationship,” said O’Brien Carelli.
For caregivers, finding the time and energy to care for a loved one who can no longer care for himself is a balancing act, especially when added to the stress of work or raising a family. This tension isn’t something that a child can ignore.
“They’re living in families where [family members] are high-stress or worried about someone, and children pick up on those dynamics. They pick up on those vibes. And this book will hopefully help them to sit down and say, ‘Let’s talk about what’s going on, and how you can make things a little better.’ And it eases the minds of children. That’s kind of what I was aiming for,” said O’Brien Carelli.
In her Author’s Note addressed to adult readers, O’Brien Carelli discusses some of the gaps in understanding that adults, as well as children, may have about dementia. Readers of all ages can take something away from “I’ll Remember, Poppy,” even if it’s just remembering to have a little extra empathy for a loved one with dementia.
“This is something that hopefully would facilitate conversation, clarify things and also help family members be a little more compassionate,” said O’Brien Carelli. “I see it as a book that children can read with adults, or adults can read with children, to help them better understand what’s happening to someone that they know and love.”
