For those standing in the wake of a suicide, the loss of a loved one is indescribable. That’s why Nathalie Evans and Family and Children’s Service of the Capital Region are trying to promote healing, unity and break the stigma of suicide with a yearly Suicide Survivors Remembrance Ceremony.
“Anybody who’s lost somebody to suicide is invited to attend. We honor the person who passed away,” said Evans, chairwoman of the event’s planning committee.
This year’s event is the fifth running and will be held Sunday, May 6, in Latham. A large part of the event is a memorial video and book filled with pictures and tributes to the suicide victims. The deadline to be included is Friday, April 20.
“If you want to submit a photograph or poem or statement or saying, we’ll include that in a memory book and video that we present at the ceremony and everybody gets to take home a copy,” said Evans.
This is Evans’ third year being involved in the Remembrance Ceremony. She lost her daughter and sister-in-law to suicide in the same year and after attending the first ceremony as a guest, decided she needed to contribute in a deeper way.
“I’m trying to reach more people. My ultimate goal is to have more deceased people represented. I’d like to see more families who are suffering from this devastating loss be able to represent their loved ones,” said Evans.
When Evans’ daughter took her life October 2005, she was left to care for her grandson, who was then in third grade. The tragedy was hard on him back then and now at 15, he’s still struggling to deal with the effects.
“He’s seen many counselors. He doesn’t talk about it and I can tell from some of his actions he’s having trouble dealing with it,” said Evans, who is trying to find a counselor who specializes in post-traumatic stress disorder.
She said part of her goal for the ceremony is to help break the stigma attached to suicide and to spread awareness about it. Most people who have never gone through the tragedy are unable to understand what it’s like and she said she’s seen the callous comments people can make firsthand.
“I don’t think people realize when they’re talking how hurtful things can be that they say. Talking about a situation they’ve never been in before and have no clue the pain,” said Evans.
The first day her grandson returned to school after his mother’s funeral, Evans said a classmate told him his mother “must not love him” or she “wouldn’t have done that.” She was floored.
“Nothing compares to a death by suicide,” said Evans.
Kristi Beuth-Schilling is also a suicide survivor. She lost her husband to suicide in 2007 and shortly thereafter moved to Latham from Massachusetts to raise her three children.
“I saw an ad in a paper and decided to go (to the ceremony). I’m happy I did because it’s a very good ceremony, very healing and surprising that not more people know about this, especially since there’s not a lot around for suicide survivors,” said Beuth-Schilling.
She said she attended support group after support group but didn’t truly begin to heal until the Suicide Survivors Remembrance Ceremony. Now, she’s on the committee.
“I wanted to become involved in the committee and maybe expand it and every year hopefully if we only get two or three more people and help one person, we’re doing our job and giving them hope that life goes on after suicide,” said Beuth-Schilling. “Even as horrible as it may be, you can build your life.”
She is a shining example of that sentiment. It took years, but she was able to dig herself out of the deep hole of grief she found herself in, widowed at 38 and single mother to three young children.
“I was left in a mental, emotional, financial ruin,” said Beuth-Schilling. “This group welcomed me with open arms. Everyone was caring and kind and offered help and opinions. They gave me a lot of encouragement and strength to go on for the year and I’ve come a long way with this group.”
She was able to complete beauty school and is at the tail end of completing her bachelor’s degree in social work. Soon, she’ll start working toward her master’s.
“In 2007, I never thought it would be possible but anything’s possible. Sometimes when you go through a tragedy it takes something like this to open your heart for that forgiveness to the person who did this,” said Beuth-Schilling. “When your heart is open to that forgiveness the world looks different.”
She said anyone affected by a suicide should attend the ceremony to see what it’s all about. Because like her own story shows, survivors might never find healing unless they open themselves up to it.
“It’s a great opportunity for people to share their story, a great opportunity for people to heal. Even if people lost someone to suicide and don’t want to share their story, it’s just a safe place everyone can come together, know you’re not only and not the only person who has gone through a suicide because you feel like you are,” said Beuth-Schilling. “(We) remember the good things about our loved ones.”
Anyone interested in being part of the memorial book and video can call Family and Children’s Service of the Capital Region at 462-6531 or Evans at 813-4346 by April 20.
The Suicide Survivors Remembrance Ceremony is May 6 at the Carondelet Hospitality Center of St. Joesph’s Provincial House at 385 Watervliet-Shaker Road in Latham.
