My kids ask questions. Lots and lots of questions. While we are having dinner, reading books, cooking and their favorite time: when I am driving. In the car, I am a captive audience, and there are only so many times the subject can be changed before the kids dig in their heels and refuse to be swayed into talking about ponies or cars.
You might think I am going to write now about how I have answered the question: Where do babies come from? That has proven to be much easier to tackle than the question: Where do babies go? How do you explain to innocent 5-year-olds some of the ugliness and uncertainty of the world while not frightening them into nightmares?
The question was asked for the first time almost a year ago and is revisited on an almost weekly basis depending on our travels. We have seen the signs around town, especially near the H for hospital Safe Haven. My son wanted to know why a picture of a baby was on the sign. I fumbled for words for a few seconds. I try so hard not to lie to my kids. A quick prayer made its way to the heavens as I opened my mouth.
I began by asking him if he knew how much I loved him and how much I wanted him and his sisters. For this trip down Manning Boulevard the car carried just the two of us, and we could talk without interruption. The radio was silenced, and I really listened to what he was saying. As the hospital came into view, I reminded him of where he was born and how much time he spent in the NICU before coming home. He smiled so warmly and told me that he loved being born.
We talked some more about how much mommies and daddies love their children. Benjamin knows my mother was adopted and that she was loved by the mommy who gave her up and the mommy who helped her grow up. He took the natural turn in the conversation wanting to know how her mom and dad found her. I really wanted to say a cabbage leaf and make light the situation for myself, but instead I told Benjamin that sometimes a mommy has a baby and needs to give this baby to a safe place to live because she is unable to provide one for whatever reasons. The anticipated “why” followed quickly. Using my rear view mirror, I smiled at him, reached back and squeezed his foot before continuing. I told him that sometimes the mommy has to love a baby enough to know that the best place is at the hospital.
The tears and sobs from my son shook me. I did not expect this reaction. Then Benjamin managed to get out the words, “You left us!?” before giving that shuddering cry children do when they are overcome by raw emotion. I explained to Benjamin that being left at the NICU for 40 days was not the same as taking him to the hospital and leaving him there to be cared for.
Nothing can be resolved in one conversation with any 4-year-old. I kept assuring him and later his sisters that we love them, and we very much wanted them. The conversations have evolved over time, and they no longer involve the tears and sobs that made me feel like a horrible mom for telling my children some of life’s truths.
Now the children see the wonderful Safe Haven signs and know that there is a place for all children, even if there is a bumpy start.
Jennifer Steuer is an Albany mom, whose busy household includes her husband, Harlan, and 5-year-old triplets Olivia, Benjamin and Rebecca.