Twenty years ago, Dan Whelan never would have imagined he’d be spending the majority of his day changing diapers, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, dropping off and picking up kids at school, making dinner or arranging play dates. Whelan is a stay-at-home dad.
You have probably seen them on area playgrounds, at your child’s school or in the local supermarket. The stay-at-home-dad, the Mr. Mom, daddy daycare whatever you want to call them, they are everywhere, and their ranks are growing, in some cases, faster than a suitable support system to help them navigate a role that has been traditionally relegated to women.
For more information on how to start your own dad’s group, visit www.nycdadsgroup.com.
With the job market at a standstill and day-care costs rising, Whelan is one of many dads all over the country who are choosing to stay at home with the kids for economic and personal reasons.
According to the Census Bureau, 1 in 5 dads are now staying home to take care of the kids.
For Delmar residents Whelan, 40, and his wife Debbi, it made the most sense.
“I worked in retail for 20 years. My wife is a registered nurse with the Department of Health. We made the decision that we thought it would be better for the kids to have one of us stay home, and due to her education and ability to make more money, we decided that I would stay home with the children,” Whelan says.
Now, three years later, the dad of two boys ages 2 and 3 and step-dad to an 11-year-old boy, Whelan says he feels blessed to be able to do what he is doing.
“There was a point early on when I attempted to give my two weeks notice to my wife,” Whelan laughs. “My day starts at 5 a.m. and often goes until 11 at night.”
Whelan says that during the day, he tries to get the boys out to do different things.
“We go to the library, reading groups and Tumbling Tykes in Latham just so they can interact with other kids,” he says.
Whelan says the kids have a blast, however he sometimes feel like an “outcast.”
“I’m usually the only father there. It’s all mothers, and they are all in one corner talking,” Whelan says. “Being a stay-at-home dad, in that aspect, is a little tough. If you look around, you find mom’s groups everywhere” but limited options for dads.
As more dads are staying home with the kids, many, like Whelan, are looking for ways to interact with other dads in the same situation. Some are turning to the Internet and finding support in dad blogs and meetup groups.
Lance Somerfeld, a graduate of the University at Albany who now lives in New York City with his wife and 4-year-old son, found himself in a similar situation when his son was born.
“I was making less than my wife, but we both knew we wanted to be active and engaged in his life,” he says.
When Somerfeld’s wife went back to work after four months and he stayed home to take care of their son, he knew he wanted some sort of community where he could get together with other dads and vent frustrations, share best practices and just hang out.
“It was winter, and the last thing I wanted to do was be faced with isolation,” he says.
A friend had mentioned meetup.com to him as a platform for getting like-minded groups together from all over a particular area.
“It was a platform that really would do exactly what I was looking for an online presence with the goal of connecting people face to face,” he says.
Slowly but surely, Somerfeld built a network of other at-home dads. Today the New York City dad’s group has nearly 800 members and has grown into more than meetups.
“We kicked off a blog writing about what we do together, the challenges we face as dads, as parents and the phases our children are going through,” Somerfeld says.
Somerfeld also gives tips on his blog on how to begin and sustain a successful dad’s group in your own town.
“It’s nice to have the support network,” Somerfeld says. “I think a lot of people are trying to link up with online blogs to try and get that voice the wisdom from other dads on certain topics.”
Somerfeld says just four years ago when he started the blog, there were maybe four or five other dad blogs that he considered valuable enough to read on a regular basis.
“Now there are hundreds,” he says. “It’s amazing the evolution of dads telling their stories from different angles. It used to be just moms’ perspectives, now you are seeing fathers too. I think it’s a wonderful explosion of the blogosphere.”
Somerfeld says a variety of events are planned through the group, including a monthly dad’s night out.
“You don’t have to parent alone. It takes a team … a village,” Somerfeld says. “Joining a group may not be for everyone, but having a couple of other dads you can get together with is such a benefit rather than falling into the trap of being isolated or spending too much time with children and not enough of the things you enjoyed before.”
As for Whalen, he says he does try to get out here and there to keep his sanity, adding that he now has a higher level of respect for stay-at-home moms and for his own mom.
“I was one of 11 kids this is nothing compared to what she went through.”
For more information on how to start your own dad’s group, visit Somerfeld’s blog at www.nycdadsgroup.com.
