Stacey Rhodes doesn’t want what happened to her son Tyler to happen to any other child. So, she does the only thing she feels she can do to halt the cycle of violence: talk about it.
“I bring a board with pictures of my son all over it. I bring my son’s ashes with me and I tell them, ‘This is what happens. You can either be buried or live. This is all I have left,’” said Rhodes.
Tyler Rhodes was stabbed to death in Hoffman Park in Albany last April in a dispute with other teens. He was 17.
Rhodes speaks to students around the Capital District (so far she’s visited Albany, East Greenbush, Bethlehem and Troy) about why it’s so critical to stop violence and uses her own tragedy to hammer the point home.
It works.
“I see shock. Reality check. Wow,” said Rhodes. “They get talking and ask me questions.”
Rhodes said she doesn’t shy away from the truth. In fact, exposing her most vulnerable thoughts is what’s played a big part in helping her heal.
“I say, ‘I have my daughter to be strong for.’ I can’t curl up in a ball and cry in my bed all day and shut down from reality,” said Rhodes.
She’s so serious about evoking change that she’s Facebook friends with many students around the region. Some even have her cell phone number and she makes sure every single one of them knows she’s there for them, if they need her.
“They contact me and say ‘I’m upset.’ I’m always there for the kids,” said Rhodes. “I say, ‘Make sure you talk to your mom, grandma, auntie, dad, whoever. One kid did that and she and her mother are super close now. You need to be open and not attack and put everything as an ‘I.’”
She’s taken on the role of mentor for many, and that’s a large reason why she’s so accessible.
“It makes me feel really good to be there because that’s who Tyler was. He was everybody’s therapist. I can never do as good a job as Tyler,” said Rhodes, recalling how he used to help her through disagreements with her fiancé.
Rhodes will share her story at Sand Creek Middle School, where her son attended school, on Thursday, March 1, at 6:30 p.m. The presentation is for parents of middle school and high school students and Rhodes will meet with every student in the school throughout March.
“Stacey, after his unfortunate death, has been going around talking to kids about the importance of walking away in violent situations instead of feeling that you need to stand up or feeling you need to take it head on,” said Jill Penn, chairperson of the school’s Bullying Prevention Committee.
Rhodes’ visits are part of the school’s Olewus bullying prevention program, which was started five years ago. It focuses on educating and empowering students to improve relationships between peers, which builds respect.
“We try to stress that every single person in our building is individually different but at the same time should be respected for their differences,” said Penn. “It breeds that culture of acceptance we’re working to establish.”
Poor peer relations are what prompted the school to take action, said Penn, and the program already seems to be working.
“Over the past five years, kids are reporting that bullying has decreased more than 60 percent,” said Penn, citing an annual survey that students fill out anonymously. “They report to us where things are happening and how they feel about them.”
Penn said students report feeling “safer” and “more comfortable” at school and say they’re not as worried about talking to adults when they need help.
Tips to combat bullying is another issue Rhodes tackles during presentations. She said she uses “children’s lingo” to address bullying and things like the “no snitching rule.” She tells kids that they have a voice, so use it.
“You have to speak up. You’ll be a better and bigger person for standing up,” said Rhodes. “I try to express to look more at the long term.”
She also encourages students to find a dream and focus their energy on reaching it.
“Whatever their goals are, you need to find it. If you’re not getting the support at home … do something to find the inner strength to succeed,” said Rhodes. “You can be anything you want to be.”
Tyler knew a little something about dreams. She said before his death at 17, he had plans to go to Hudson Valley Community College for two years and then move on to SUNY Albany to get a degree in psychology.
“He was always there for his friends. … He just had those ways and words about him,” said Rhodes.
If her story touches just one student, one teenager or one parent, Rhodes said she’s done her job.
“If I can change one child’s life, if one child’s listening, then I’ve done my part,” said Rhodes.
Sand Creek Middle School is located at 329 Sand Creek Road in Albany. Other schools or organizations interested in having Rhodes visit can reach her by email at [email protected].
