Question: In need of some positive words to explain something to my husband. The only time I really get to myself is after the kids go to bed. However my son still wakes up most nights every 30 minutes for the first two hours. And a majority of the time he will not settle back down for anyone but me. But I NEED to get out of my house and do things for MYSELF. So occasionally I go for a walk at night. Last night I’m out walking and I get a text to come home NOW. I walked home- I get there and one of the first things my husband says to me is, “I’m sorry but you can’t go out for walks anymore.” The baby had gotten so upset he projectile vomited and wouldn’t stop screaming. So I KNOW first hand how intense it can be to just hold your child when they are that upset and I do not want him to be upset, but I can’t not go out for walks right? I chose not to address it last night because it made me mad so I’ve waited until I am calm. But how do I explain to him without basically saying “just deal with it”? That I need to be able to go out?
— Edith, mother of two from Delmar
Answer: I think many mothers will relate to this question. It is so important that parents carve out time to themselves for self-renewal. This seems to be especially hard for mothers. Time to yourself is not a luxury with little ones; it is a necessity that needs to be at the top of a family’s priority list. Why? Because you can’t get water from a dry well. The paradox of self-care is that when you take time away from your loved ones, you actually come back with more of yourself to give. It sounds like you understand this, but are having a hard time working out the boundaries with your husband.
Unfortunately, there is this assumption that mothers just instinctively know how to soothe crying babies and can meet their baby’s needs in ways fathers just cannot. With the exception of breast-feeding, I can’t think of a single soothing technique that fathers can’t provide. The truth is, most modern mothers learn about what works for their babies through trial and error. They are thrown into the fire and have to figure it out. Over time, we learn about our babies; we bond with them; and we gain the confidence and the skills necessary to take care of them. In short, we develop our own intimate relationship with our child.
The point that I would like to get through to your husband is this: you need your own intimate relationship with your child. Mother should not be the mediator between you and your child. It is not her responsibility to pass off a happy, sleepy baby for you to ‘babysit’ so she can get a little time to herself. So yeah, in a sense he does just need to deal with it and figure it out. Let him know he’s not alone and you are there to support him.
Like you said, “I KNOW first hand how intense it can be to just hold your child when they are that upset,” so you are in a great position to be able to empathize with your husband. Screaming and crying are one thing, but projectile vomiting is scary. He probably panicked and that’s why he texted you to come home. Let him know you understand how stressful such times with baby can be. He may also be feeling anxious about his ability to care for the baby under such duress. That feeling is likely not unfamiliar to you either. Talking about these feelings and fears will help both of you gain a better appreciation of the other’s experience.
If you are in the habit of being ‘first responder’ to your baby fussing, it may take some time for everyone to adjust. Both you and your husband must share in the solution. Sit down together and brainstorm some techniques that have worked to soothe your child in the past. You can also talk about ways that you cope with excessive crying. Keeping our own stress-levels down is an important factor is calming baby. Some of these will work for your husband and some won’t. Over time, he’ll discover new techniques and coping mechanisms based on his strengths and temperament. My husband shared his love of music with our children by bringing singing to our bedtime ritual. The lullabies became “Daddy’s thing” while I get to be the preferred story-reader. When you allow for these differences, your baby benefits from interacting with a broader range of personalities; he begins to understand that different people can care for him in different ways. This is helpful when it’s time for babysitters or daycare providers to take over.
What is one small step you and your husband could take right now to facilitate you getting more alone time? Could you hold back at home when baby starts fussing and let him take care of it? Could you start by taking shorter walks and building up to your ideal? See if you can negotiate the parameters while sticking to your guns about requiring the time for self-care.
At first, your child may resist and still get upset when you leave. Do not be discouraged. Your child might be unhappy, but remember he is safe. As hard as it is to see him upset, you are demonstrating your confidence in your husband and in your child by leaving them alone together. Hold the bigger picture in your mind: by encouraging a fuller participation in your child’s life, your husband will deepen his understanding and love for your child. By taking good care of yourself, you are renewing your energy and spirit. Both are very worthwhile pursuits that will benefit the whole family.
As a PCI Certified Parent Coach, my task is to help parents look within for the answers they seek. I whole-heartedly believe there is no “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to child-rearing. This column will strive to be affirmative, informative, and inspiring; offering parents new ways to see themselves, their children, and their families. Send your questions and comments to me here: [email protected].
