When Jan Hempstead, a Colonie mom of two, made the decision to remarry a man with a daughter of his own, she knew it wasn’t going to be easy, however, she never imagined how huge the adjustment would be.
“The Brady Bunch made it look easy,” says Hempstead. “They had their squabbles, mom and dad came to the rescue, and everything was resolved with no hard feelings.”
“That was television real life is more complicated,” says Hempstead.
About 75 percent of the 1.2 million Americans who divorce each year eventually remarry. The majority have children, and, like Hempstead, they find that blending a family is more complicated than they anticipated.
“Parenting is a full-time job regardless then you throw two sets of families in,” says Hempstead, “it’s like fireworks.”
Candice Dunn, psychologist and Clinical Director at Saratoga Center for the Family, says anytime you have new members coming together and trying to integrate people from different cultures, different histories, and with different points of view, it can be very challenging.
“A lot of their life is changing without their say. Allow them a choice when possible. Be patient with them, give them time to adjust and time to grieve what they no longer have.”
Child and Family Psychologist Deborah Duckworth
“Parents need to create a family structure to meet everyone’s needs and be healthy,” says Dunn.
Dunn says things as simple as picking a vacation destination can become difficult. Making decisions on how to discipline the children when emotions are running high can also be extremely challenging.
“It is important to remember this process takes time,” Dunn adds.
The Smiths, a Saratoga County family, whose names have been changed due to ongoing custody issues, say they were very apprehensive about getting their kids, now ages 15 and 11, together at first.
“We didn’t want to upset their world,” they said. “We decided to start slowly and cautiously and felt no need to jump in.”
Dunn says it is important to develop a relationship first.
“Many adults make the mistake of jumping into the role of disciplinarian too early,” she says. “Emphasis should be on interacting, enjoying and supporting the biological parent with disciplinary issues.”
“The first three or four years were tough,” the Smiths say. “We both had different views on raising children, education, the media, computer exposure, and the holidays both coming from different cultural backgrounds.”
The Smiths made an effort to adhere to the children’s culture and traditions and found that, though challenging, it has been beneficial for the kids.
“Because of this, my kids get to see somebody else’s ways and customs,” says Paul Smith, explaining how his kids go to public school and his wife’s kids continue to attend private school.
The Stefanik family of Malta stresses the importance of keeping the lines of communication open not only with the kids, but also with all parents involved.
“I have had a good relationship with the girls’ father since the beginning. We respect each other and made an effort to get to know one another,” says Michael Stefanik.
Child and Family Psychologist Deborah Duckworth of Columbia County says, “Remind yourself that the kids are what is important, and remember, your life will be better too if you are able to communicate.”
Stefanik recalls one time when his stepdaughter said to him, “You are not my father. I don’t have to listen to you.”
“This happened once and only once. We put an end to it fast. We immediately got the girls’ biological father on the phone and had a discussion with him and my stepdaughter together,” says Stefanik.
Divorce can often leave parents feeling angry or betrayed. But rather than letting emotions get in the way, it is important to think in the best interest of the child.
“Research is clear that some children have no bad effects from divorce when parents can get along and are able to cooperate with each other,” says Duckworth.
“Include all parents ask for help from the original parent,” says Duckworth, as Stefanik did when he included his stepdaughter’s father in the conversation.
Both Dunn and Duckworth stress the importance of a united front. Disagreements between parents about discipline often turn into manipulation from the children, turning the parents against one another to get what they want.
The Smith family has a family understanding that unless it is a major issue, if an adult speaks, the child must be respectful and listen.
“For more major concerns, we work out the problem together and then the biological parent will handle the issue with the child,” they say.
Duckworth advises, “It is best for the original parent to do most of the disciplining.” She further explains, in situations where the biological parent is not always available, be proactive. For example, let the child know beforehand that when such situations arise, it will be handled in a certain manner.
Many parents think rules and consequences need to be similar in both homes, but this is not always possible.
Dunn suggests building in transitions as they travel from one home to another. For example, on the car ride back home, Dunn suggests reminding the kids of the rules and expectations in each home.
“I encourage parents to do silly things such as hop over the doorway three times as a transition. This helps with the shift so it is not so abrupt,” says Dunn. “Younger children tend to be more flexible, whereas older children can be easier to talk to. However, pre-teens are the toughest crowd.”
Parents tend to push the kids to be a family and do everything together right away. Duckworth recommends including children in decision making when possible.
“A lot of their life is changing without their say. Allow them a choice when possible. Be patient with them, give them time to adjust and time to grieve what they no longer have,” says Duckworth.
Don’t expect an instant bond. Just because the adults are happy about the idea of blending does not mean the children are. Building trust and good relationships takes time. You may be in for a bumpy ride, but with time and determination it will get better.
“We were determined to see it through, and patience prevailed,” say the Smiths.
