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A Not So Straightforward Request:
One of my friends recently got his dream job in another city and in the process of moving was updating his contacts. I got an email from a certain social networking site for professional contacts inviting me to join my friend’s list of contacts.
A straightforward request stirred up some not so straightforward feelings.
I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for over four years now. How professional do I consider myself?
Social Pariah?
Why is it I’m reluctant to introduce myself as a stay-at-home mom, full-time mother or housewife?
I’ve been in social situations where people have asked me what I do and I see them visibly switch off, glaze over or turn away when I tell them. My guess is they think I’m of no consequence with nothing to contribute and won’t be able to help them network.
You’ll understand then why sometimes I choose to tell people in such situations my past profession or I say I do freelance work. It’s a horrible feeling being mentally dismissed by someone before they even get to know you.
I chose to be a full-time mom. Why then should I hide it or feel embarrassed?
Societal Judgment:
Society is conflicted about the value of being solely a mother. Society loves winners – leaders; entrepreneurs; go-getters and risk-takers.
Working moms who are superstars at work and supermoms at home are feted, but society doesn’t celebrate the status of the stay-at-home mom, with the exception of the self-made millionaire mom who stumbles on a winning business idea while at home. The message being this mom, not content with housework and raising children did more and, therefore, worthy of admiration …
I took a career break with my eyes open, knowing it would mean financial and social sacrifice, but I didn’t count on society telling me I’m a nonentity. And over time, I begin to question my worth.
One thread on a message board I read started with a woman asking “Does anyone else find stay-at-home moms stuck-up, selfish and lazy? And why do they always put down the working mother?”
I felt angry about this comment and, also, really sad that another woman made it.
Angry because I can honestly say having worked in private, government and non-profit sectors, being a stay-at-home mom has been the hardest job I’ve ever had. My work is 24/7 with no lunch break, vacation time and personal time or company benefits.
I accept and respect each person for their life choices and hope I have an open, welcoming and inclusive manner, no matter who they are or what they do. I admire my working mom friends no end for their energy and commitment to their family and work, and still make time for some social life. It’s not easy for them; they walk a fine line with their time.
Sad because women are judging, comparing and fighting each other after decades of other women fighting prejudice and stereotypes to give us the right to have more choices in our lives.
I don’t know how working moms or child-free women feel about how stay-at-home moms may judge them. From where I’m standing, I’ve read more negative comments from people who assume things about stay-at-home mothers.
The Value of Motherhood:
Depending on which report (U.S. or UK) you read, the monetary value of being a stay-at-home mother has been assessed to be somewhere in the region of $60,000 to $138,000. The figure is obtained by assessing the value of the individual jobs performed by the mother – from housekeeper to day care center teacher – and the fair market price paid for that service in the job market.
The point for me was not so much that stay-at-home mothers should be paid for what they do (I don’t think a price can be put on raising children), but I took from such reports the option of being a stay-at-home mom should be valued more.
Yet, all I’ve read from comments to such reports are “It’s your choice to have children, so don’t complain about not being valued” to “I’d stay at home too, if I would be paid to watch TV, while vacuuming and ironing” to “Why get an education, if you could get more money being a housewife.”
Mommy Wars:
Then there is a whole raft of comments from working mothers who say they do everything at home and work, and maybe study on top of that too, so being a stay-at-home mother is the easy option. It’s become more like a competition or “mommy wars” (the term coined by several commentators on this subject) between women on who can do more or who is the better mother.
It makes me wonder, in my down moments, what do my child-free or working mom friends really think. Do they think I’m wasting my academic achievements, working skills and experiences? Do they think how on earth could I be content to be just at home?
Some experts say the battle may be internal for women – a need to be with your children versus a need to achieve personal growth and identity outside the home. I do sometimes feel I’m fighting myself.
Then there is the UK report, which says child-free women in the workplace complain they have to carry the load for their working mom counterparts who are already given enough concessions at work, such as maternity leave. Child-free workers are resentful of covering for co-workers who leave early because of a sick child or being volunteered to attend evening or weekend meetings because they’re seen as having no responsibilities.
And what about the assumptions and criticisms levied on child-free women by other women? I wrote about the choice of not having children in a piece last year. It’s really nobody’s business to judge whether women have children or not.
http://spotlightnews.com/blogs/coffeemates/view_blog.php?blog_id=tB1192504145t47142b5109c4f
Working moms judging stay-at-home moms and vice versa; child-free women judging working moms and vice versa; moms judging child-free women; internal battles raging for a woman in her choice to be fulfilled as a mother or fulfilled by external success, and the rise of a new literary genre called “mommy lit” (think Allison Pearson’s “I Don’t Know How She Does It”) in the last few years show us some real tensions faced by many women.
Judge at Your Peril:
From a personal standpoint, be wary of judging a stay-at-home mom. According to Richard Wiseman, author of “The Luck Factor,” on average, we’re on first name terms with about 300 people and, subsequently, each of those 300 people know 300 more people.
Don’t assume anything about a stay-at-home mom (or any woman for that matter) because you don’t know whether that woman was once a high court judge or chief finance officer of a company, and could still be again!
Further Reading:
http://www.salary.com/aboutus/layoutscripts/abtl_default.asp?tab=abt&cat=cat012&ser=ser041&part=Par639&isdefault=0
http://money.cnn.com/2006/05/03/pf/mothers_work/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-515571/Housewives-paid-30-000-doing-cooking-laundry-childcare.html
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1563563/Childless-women-%27hostile-to-working-mums%27.html
Your Views?
Stay-at-home mom; working mom; child-free individual, which are you and what do you think? Please share your thoughts, experiences, frustrations and questions.
And then there are the male perspectives and roles, which I haven’t even touched upon. I see more men deciding to be at home with their children while their partners work outside the home. How do men, in general, view the whole “mommy wars” debate?
Susan S. Cheung
